I just had sex with Handsome Blondie. Let’s call him Donny. It’s the first sex I’ve ever had in my life that I regret.
Drove home feeling really bad. Didn’t even turn on the radio. I stopped at a red light at the corner just before my house. It was so quiet in my car. Dead quiet. Suffocatingly quiet.
Usually, men remark about how wet I get. They say I get wetter than any other woman they’ve been with. Donny never said anything about that, because I wasn’t that wet. Because I wasn’t that into it.
In the last year, since I’ve known you, (before tonight) I had sex with five men. Some of the relationships were all peanut butter; all about sex. Yet still, there was a strong sexual and personal connection between me and each of the men. I went into tonight thinking that Donny would be great because he’s so young; so easy; so meaningless. And do you know what? That was how the sex was: young (and rather unskilled), easy, and meaningless. And if feels bad.
Isn’t it weird that with the five men before tonight, I was cheating on my husband, and each time I returned home feeling happy, satisfied, and pleased. Tonight, after the first sex I’ve had with an UNMARRIED man in years, I feel depressed and guilty.
You know what? (and this might just be the jack and coke, the fact that it’s 2:00 in the morning, or the shock of empty sex) but I don’t think I’m a horny housewife anymore. I think the sexual fever I’ve suffered from and been thrilled and satisfied by in the past year is over. It came off with my panties tonight. I knew it right away. I wish I would have stopped things, but I was acting out of a sexual momentum almost a year in the making. I didn’t stop it.
I think I’m going to stop it now.
Meet me over at my new leaf: The Real Life of a Woman
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Dear Sasha,
It make be the jack and coke, but mostly it’s dopey Donny. He’s the variable in your equation which is making it all come up with a big dry, guilty zero. You still need what you’ve always needed, which is someone to take one look at you and see value. (Just like me; just like most people.) You need someone to recognize how smart and funny and beautiful you are. It wasn’t going to be Donny and we knew that because there was no spark from the moment you laid eyes on him.
The fact that he’s unmarried and you are too IS depressing because you’re finally in a position to have a relationship, not merely a fling, and Donny is what you ended up with. But that’s just tonight. You’ve learned from it, and hopefully the next time you’ll be more discerning!!
Fondly,
Comment by Constance October 10, 2008 @ 3:41 amConstance
Sounds more like the excitement of the “cheating” is diminished. Satisfactiion knowing you did something “naughty” got over on the hubby is gone…Cheating sex can be hot sex….so find a boyfriend and “Cheat” I find hot women who “cheat” to be even hotter
Comment by bdenied October 10, 2008 @ 7:26 amI have to disagree with bdenied on this one. Actually, I agree that the risk of being caught (or of HIM being caught) can add excitement, but HH, I think in your case you were done emotionally with your marriage long, long, LONG before you finally ended it. The affairs you had were just you trying to find some form of human connection, and you settled for physical connection. Now you need to get the emotional, intellectual connection that’s been missing. And Donny just won’t cut it, will he?
Comment by Constance October 10, 2008 @ 7:44 amI still believe that you have a weirdo fetish for frogs. Some fairy tale story tells that when you kiss the right frog, something magical happens.
Comment by Z October 10, 2008 @ 11:09 amDear HH
Sorry you’re feeling down, you’re in new waters.
See you over at your new place.
xo PL
Comment by perfectlips October 11, 2008 @ 3:24 am[...] Goc said to me. I knew he didn’t mean the kitchen, and I flashed back to that first terrible night with Donny. “No,” I said. I’m not a sex machine anymore. The Horny Housewife was a sex [...]
Pingback by A Little Too Sad « More June 13, 2009 @ 1:16 amTake it from me, the cheating was exciting, but once you peel away the layers of superficial excitement, we are alone.
In fact, once you lose it ALL, you are left with the essence of who you are.
I lost my job and my career, all my fortunes and my very identity. Several affairs and a full blown midlife crisis almost destroyed me.
What was left was the idea that deep and FULL communication, while painful, is the only way to true happiness.
I applaud your honesty, your creative writing style, and your passion. Try reading some easter philosophy…it gives a fresh perspective on love, midlife crisies, and the navigation of our lives.
Comment by makeyourwifehot June 20, 2009 @ 8:36 am[...] rushed, desperate midnight conclave, of the sort which had resolved to sleep with Donny on that sad, sad night last last October. The vote for sex also wasn’t the result of the kind of starving, [...]
Pingback by Cheaper by the Dozen « More June 22, 2009 @ 11:57 pm