Filed under: Cops, Detective Curt, haiku, haiku friday, poetry | Tags: affairs, cheating wife, divorce, fuck, horny housewife, Housewife, love, marriage, milf, relationships, sex
♥
Curt’s handsome head rears
Today again like a wolf
Who haunts my day dreams
♥
Filed under: Husband, Ted, Valentine Dave, divorce, marriage, parenthood | Tags: affairs, cheating wife, divorce, horny, hornyhousewife, Housewife, marriage, milf, relationships, sex
Had the conversation last week with Husband about wanting to get divorced.
He is bound and determined to leave and disappear from our son’s life. I told him we would still be a family, that he could live around the corner, that he should keep his job, etc. He says no.
Watching him now with three-year old Spencer is like watching a dying man spending his last remaining weeks with his son. I’m not sad for husband. He’s a bastard. I’m sad for Spencer.
Valentine Dave is a wreck, leaving me drunken angry, mournful messages.
I have a weird flu where every few hours, when my Tylenol runs out, my teeth chatter and I sweat and ache and my skin hurts.
Looking for a job again. I didn’t tell you, but I was offered a really great job a couple of months ago, but turned it down. I’m kicking myself now, because I’ll need to support my household by myself again. (I did this for a couple of years when my husband was out of work.) I just want something close with good money and good benefits.
Quirky Ted is reconciling with his wife, but wants to continue seeing me. It doesn’t seem like a good idea, but I like him so much I don’t want to let him go. Maybe I can just allow myself to have him for a few months, and later, when I’m stronger, I’ll end it.
I’ve decided married men are like in-between-meal snacks. They make you feel full, but have no nutritional value. And they keep you from consuming the healthy stuff. That may be a good subject for a future post, when I’m feeling more like being smart and clever.
Right now I just feel a mess.
Filed under: Ted, Valentine Dave, haiku, haiku friday | Tags: divorce, haiku, haiku friday, horny, horny housewife, Housewife, love, marriage, milf, relationships, sex
♥
Don’t want to Haiku
Still, it is Haiku Friday
So here you go, friends
♥
That was very lame
We deserve better than that
Can you do better?
♥
Things are fine with Ted
But the fever is over
We’ll see what happens
♥
Valentine David
Broke his heart and bit his neck
He deserved better
♥
To participate in Haiku Friday, leave your comment in Haiku form (first line: 5 syllables, second line: 7 syllables, third line: 5 syllables). Or, haiku on your blog and link to the post in a comment here.
Happy Haiku Friday!
Filed under: divorce, music | Tags: artie lange, divorce, fuck, green day, horny, horny housewife, Housewife, howard stern, love, marriage, milf, pretenders, relationships, sex
I am so totally over myself now. Sorry for the self-involved, self-pitying, self-important garbage of late.
Constance recently wrote a post about a superstitious morning ritual in which she turns on her radio, recites the phrase ”K-Rock, give me a sign,” and then interprets the first song she hears as a forshadowing of the nature of the rest of her day.
It’s funny, because for weeks before I began my first affair (with Detective Curt), I would wake up every morning with the Pretenders song “Stop Sobbing” in my head. I hadn’t heard it in years, yet it was number one with a bullet on my mental Top Ten. I could almost hear Casey Kasem making the dedication:
CK: This song’s goin’ out to a little girl with a big libido. Horny Housewife, this one’s for you.
Chrissie Hynde: It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing…
I interpreted that relentless Pretenders song to mean that I had been feeling sorry for myself long enough: I was ready to stop behaving like a crying martyr and take the steps necessary in order to please myself. At that moment, what I needed to please myself was hot sex with a cute, tall guy. Chrissie Hynde motivated me to meet him.
Chrissie: It is time for you to laugh instead of crying…
I am also a HUGE Howard Stern fan. Artie Lange, a comedian on Howard’s show, has a catch phrase. It’s “waaaahhh!” He’ll shout it out at anyone who is complaining. So whether you’re a billionaire whining that your new Ferrari is the wrong shade of red, or you were born without limbs and can’t afford prosthetics, you’ll get a “waahh!” from Artie.
So I’m giving myself a “waaaahhh!” here.
“Waaaaahhh! I married the wrong guy and now I’m horny and having sex with strangers and I thought I was in love again. Waaaahhh! Poor Horny Housewife!
I tried Constance’s radio ritual on Tuesday. “Jack FM, give me a sign,” I said. It was Green Day’s Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Some of it goes like this:
I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk aloneRead between the lines
What’s fucked up and everything’s alright
Check my vital signs
To know I’m still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
Tuesday turned out to be the day I decided I need out of this marriage. It looks like soon I’ll be walking alone.
So thanks, everyone, for putting up with me. And if you catch me whining and complaining again, shoot me a “waaahh!”
HH
Filed under: Sergeant Shane, Ted, Valentine Dave | Tags: affairs, cheating, cheating wife, divorce, fuck, horny, horny housewife, Housewife, love, marriage, milf, relationships, sex, zoos
Three-year old Spencer and I visited the zoo today, as a desperate kind of attempt at escape from sickness, depression, and obsession. A weekend of stomach flu, fixating on Ted and his feelings for me, and then never hearing from him had just about pushed me over the edge, so I thought maybe we should get out.
Our city’s zoo has a beautiful new gorilla exhibit. We were looking at the old gorillas in their new surroundings when I began to mentally weigh the possibilities for such animals. My first thought was that, as lush and clean and pleasant as this new gorilla habitat might be, it’s still so limited. The gorillas can only wander so far before they come to the same four walls, over and over again.
As pretty as the new habitat is, it’s really nothing like the African rain forest, where the gorillas come from. The rain forest is vast and full of creatures of all varieties. This zoo environment must feel so tedious. I began to feel depressed for the gorillas.
But the rain forest must be an uncertain place. In the rain forest, you’re never sure where your food will come from. Who are your predators? What if you get lost, seperated from your pack? Living in the zoo may be boring, but at least it’s safe.
Suddenly I felt like a gorilla trying to decide whether to stay in the zoo (my limiting, unsatisfying marriage) or to risk the vast, magnificent, but perilous rain forest. The question here is “Can a wild animal ever survive in captivity?”
Ted hasn’t contacted me since Friday night. I sent him an e-mail this morning, but no reply. On top of everything else, Sergeant Shane e-mailed me this morning to tell me that he “doesn’t have the time at home or at work right now to maintain a regular affair.” Ouch. That hurt. Then, while I was at the zoo, Valentine Dave called me to tell me he is ”barley functioning” because of an e-mail I sent him on Saturday telling him that perhaps we should stop seeing each other. I’m beginning to crave a nice safe restricted habitat.
After the gorillas came the lions; their exhibit is older and even smaller. The big cats are so huge and beautiful, but their habitat is so small and dull. I observed that they were housed right next to the giraffes, with only a brown concrete wall separating them. Do you know what lions eat? Giraffes. So these poor lions live day in and day out, bored, confined, cramped, and constantly catching whiffs of their favorite snack, never to be satisfied with the taste of it.
A handsome daddy walked by. His wife wasn’t that pretty. He looked right into my eyes as he passed me. I figured I could get him if I wanted him. I returned the eye contact, then walked past the “happy” family, out into my suburban wilderness.
Filed under: Cheating Website, Ted, love | Tags: affairs, cheating, cheating wife, fuck, horny, horny housewife, Housewife, love, marraige, milf, relationships, sex
I am entirely at sea. I had sex yesterday with Ted, sort of, and I love him. I know, I’m like the horny housewife who cried Love wolf, but I really do.
I hear you laughing, Joe, as you cover your face above and below your eyes.
I see you rolling your eyes, Constance, as you admire your own legs in the mirror.
I’m noticing your dubious but quirky expression, Nicolasix.
Elizabeth, I hear you giggling grimly as you twirl your long blond hair.
Terra, I see you looking down at the dirt on the ground to avoid my eyes.
Lankrypt, you are putting my emotions in a philosophical, world religion context, then you give me some good advice in haiku form.
Always that Girl, you take your long cigarette holder out of your mouth and blow a cloud of smoke in my face, just to make your pessimistic point.
Everyone else, I hear your “Oh no. She’s at it again.”
“Where have we heard this before?” you all ask, in a sarcastic chorus from the comments section just below this post, but you already know the answer don’t you?
I said I loved Detective Curt, but I always acknowledged that was an exotic erotic kind of love, that would never grow in the real world, only in some dark, seedy motel room.
I said I loved Dave, and I did, but it was “Some Kind of Love,” and even from the beginning I knew I was destined to bite his neck and break his heart.
I never even claimed to love Sergeant Shane, so I’m off the hook for that one, although I was a super fan of his giganto penis. (Still am…)
But Ted. Ted. Ted. I love his brain. I love his face. I want to eat up every one of his words. He’s quirky and funny and different. I love his tallness and the nose and his face, which I love. He is loving and fervent and gentle and challenging and wants me. I can see us eating cereal together in the morning. I can see us having friends together. I want him to go with me to the supermarket. Am I being an idiot? Yes. I know I am.
Let me catch you up, though.
His wife found out: I won’t give you the details. I try not to give too many details about other people’s lives here. But she found out because Ted made a couple of the stupidest mistakes possible. It was almost like he wanted to get caught. If you knew the details you would agree. Joe agreed.
I wrote him I loved him: I thought it was safe. I thought I’d get an “I love you too.” An IM conversation a few days ago went like this:
Ted (12:26 AM): You have so so so conquered meTed (12:26 AM): with your witTed (12:26 AM): and then later other partsHH (12:26 AM): it’s kind of nice to be conquered back.HH (12:26 AM): unusual.Ted (12:27 AM): but the part that makes me love you is your tender heart and that is not something i just saidHH (12:27 AM): how can we love each other?Ted (12:27 AM): i knowHH (12:27 AM): how can we be saying it on im?Ted (12:27 AM): wellTed (12:27 AM): it just gets typedTed (12:27 AM): it’s a tabooTed (12:28 AM): i violated it
Did I read that wrong? Wasn’t he saying he loved me? And then this:
Ted (12:41 AM): i like ~ tildesTed(12:41 AM): aren’t they called tildesHH (12:41 AM): i think they are.HH(12:41 AM): what is their proper use, anyway?Ted(12:41 AM): perhaps that could be the name of our first child.HH(12:42 AM): SOOO FUNNY. I was thinking the same thing.Ted (12:42 AM): which?HH (12:42 AM): sounds like a nameHH (12:42 AM): but i didn’t want to freak you out.Ted (12:42 AM): i am very badTed (12:42 AM): to sayTed (12:43 AM): wouldn’t it be odd if at some point in the futureTed (12:43 AM): i impregnated youTed(12:43 AM): isnt that nice pre-sextalk?Ted (12:43 AM): and we had a babyTed (12:43 AM): now i am going to take that all backHH(12:43 AM): you can’t you said it.HH(12:43 AM): you wrote it, which is worse.Ted (12:43 AM): i’m full of weird futuristic fantasies about you
So then yesterday, after the not-quite-sex, I was e-mailing him and at the end I typed “I love you.” I pressed “send” with my eyes closed. I kept checking my e-mail, but no “i love you” returned. I felt like throwing up.
Later, in our regular late night IM conversation he wrote me that when he read my e-mail, it made him feel like he was glowing. Isn’t that a thoughtful way to say thank you, but I don’t love you? I need to be honest with myself: if he was feeling like he loved me, he would have said it.
I don’t know. All of this, plus the lack of hard erection, sort of makes me feel like turning in my password to the cheating website; hanging up my corset and stockings; taking the “horny” off my name and just being The Housewife. Yuck.
But we all know I won’t. It’s the exhausting, exquisite, dusty road I’m travelling. Right now I just want to pull over and watch the other cars pass. But I know tomorrow I’ll get back on the highway. Maybe something good will be around the next bend. Do you think Ted will be there?
Filed under: Give your Heart, Ted, poetry | Tags: affairs, cheating, cheating wife, fuck, haiku, haiku friday, horny, horny housewife, Housewife, love, marriage, milf, poetry, relationships, sex
Wrote him i loved him
But he didn’t write it back
I take risks with Ted
♥
Had sex yesterday
Because he so wanted to
Ted never got hard
♥
I love his wild hair
I love his quirky humor
I love his keen mind
♥
Friends, now I’m confused
I see my future with him
In it I feel loved
♥
But no sex, again?
I can’t do that to myself
Perhaps viagra
♥
So want this to work.
Am I just fooling myslef?
Give it to me straight.
To participate in Haiku Friday, leave your comment in Haiku form (first line: 5 syllables, second line: 7 syllables, third line: 5 syllables). Or, haiku on your blog and link to the post in a comment here.
Happy Haiku Friday!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: affairs, cheating, horny, hornyhousewife, houswife, love, marriage, milf, relationships, sex
Ummm, did anyone read my post “We Regret To Inform You?”
I thought it was quite clever, yet not a single comment…perhaps I am not as clever as I think…in more ways than one…
Filed under: Ted | Tags: affairs, cheating, divorce, horny, horny housewife, Housewife, love, marriage, milf, relationships, sex
Ted’s wife. We hadn’t done anything but kiss, but still. It makes me feel sick.
Filed under: Ted | Tags: affairs, cheating, cheating wife, horny, horny housewife, Housewife, love, marriage, milan kundera, milf, perfection, relationships, sex, the unbearable lightness of being
I’m in a wonderful, obsessive e-mail and IM relationship with a new man, Ted. He’s another writer. Strange, isn’t it? The pattern of men in the past six months has been: cop-writer-cop-writer. (Cue Twilight Zone Music.)
But I was just folding laundry and thinking about how much I like myself with him. With each man, it’s been so interesting and exciting to see who I get to be. With Curt I was passionate and sexually insatiable. With Dave I was eloquent, funny, worldly, and tender. With Shane I was honest and perverted. Now, with Ted I’m smart and funny and (he thinks me) brilliant. I wonder what else I will be with him?
I read The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kudera about a million years ago, but it made a strong impression on me. It’s about a womanizing doctor and his wife. The doctor sleeps around because he likes sex, of course, but also because he is infatuated with the moment he is fucking a woman and he grasps the essence of who she is. It’s like each woman has a different taste, and he can’t stop going back with his little wooden sample spoon to taste another flavor.
I’m really understanding that lately. I want to taste the essence of many different men. I want to see each one’s face when he comes. I want to smell his breath and feel his tongue inside me. I want to hear him grunt and breathe. I want to feel his particular brand of electricity as he stands as close as possible to me without touching me. I want to taste each one’s cock. I want to see who I will become with him.
For some reason, I think allowing myself to follow this impulse for sex and romantic relationships outside my marriage has been what has freed me to write again. In my ridged quest for perfection, I denied myself the pleasure of sex, love, feeling wanted, and expressing myself through writing.
The two are also connected in that they are each about giving myself permission to explore who I am and who I want to be. It feels good: the sex, the men, the writing… The writing about the sex and the men… The sexing about the men and the writing… The menning about the writing and the sex.
See? That didn’t even make sense, but I liked it, so I’m leaving it in. See how loosey goosey I am? It feels free and light. The Unbearable Lightness of Being…Sometimes lately I feel like I might float away.
Filed under: Cheating Website, Ted, haiku, haiku friday, poetry, sex haiku | Tags: affair, cheating, haiku, haiku friday, horny housewife, house wife, Housewife, love, marriage, poetry, relationships, sex
♥♥♥
Joe haikued me first.
Summed up my options in three
funny, wise, smart lines.
♥♥♥
From Joe:
Attorney Peter
The Unmentionable Ted
Best choice, The Couple?
Happy Haiku Friday!!!!
♥♥♥
Ted might be special.
I wrote him a clever note.
He really gets me.
♥♥♥
What Ted Might Be
Carnal, yet brainy
Let’s hope the best of each man
A Curt-Dave-Shane stew
♥♥♥
To participate in Haiku Friday, leave your comment in Haiku form (first line: 5 syllables, second line: 7 syllables, third line: 5 syllables). Or, haiku on your blog and link to the post in a comment here.
Happy Haiku Friday!
Filed under: Cheating Website, domination | Tags: affairs, cheating, cheating wife, fuck, horny, hornyhousewife, house wife, Housewife, letters of denial, love, marriage, milf, online dating, relationships, sex, we regret to inform you
Dear Sir,
We regret to inform you that at this time your application for intercourse has been denied. Your skills, experience, or personal physical appearance or hygiene did not meet our minimum standards of proficiency.
We have denied your request for fucking/doing it/making love due to one or more of the following:
__ Your screen name is “GIVE_ME_HEAD!!!.”
__ You seem like you might be a serial killer.
__ Your penis is too small.
__ Your obsession with a hitherto unknown sexual fetish called “CFNM, or Clothed Female, Naked Male.”
__ One of your eyes is crossed. (Shallow, we understand, but this is a shallow endeavor.)
__ You wrote that I seemed like a “classy lady.”
__ You want me to meet your mother.
__ You want me to meet your mother-in-law.
__ You want to meet my mother.
__ You are too short. (We never consider applicants shorter than six feet tall.)
__ You’ve called me four times and never mentioned sex, any sexual subject, or any body part of yours or mine.
__ The first time you called me, before you said “Hello,” you described exactly how you wanted me to suck your cock.
__ You signed your e-mail “hugs, Andre.”
__ In your online profile you insist that your women keep their finger- and toe-nails polished. (Please! Do you want me bikini waxed or nail polished? You only get one!)
__ In your profile picture you are standing in front of your Porsche.
__ In your profile picture you are standing with your wife and children, and you’ve obscured none of their faces.
__ You are nineteen years old.
__ You are sixty-one years old.
__ You’ve written in your profile that you are “really looking for a woman who squirts.”
__ You live in the Midwest and I, thankfully, do not.
__ You look like Rhoda’s Husband.
__ You live in Canada.
__ You live in Canada.
__ You live in Canada.
__ You desire to become my submissive slave.
__ Your profile is blank.
__ Your hair is greasy.
__ You are way too hip for me.
__ You are way too hip hop for me.
Please note, you have the right to dispute in writing the accuracy or completeness of any item checked above within 21 days of receipt of this letter of denial.
We sincerely wish to thank you for your interest in fucking. Your application will remain on file for 90 days, after which you will be eligible to reapply to our pussy.
Sincerely, The Horny Housewife
Filed under: Cheating Website, Ted, Valentine Dave | Tags: affairs, cheating, cheating wife, divorce, horny housewife, house wife, Housewife, love, marriage, milf, relationships, sex
So I’m back on the stuff. Got a new profile on the Married-People-Cheating Website, and have made a few connections:
-
Peter – Attractive attorney. Very smart, sure of himself, egotistical (in a sexy way).
-
Ted – There is a way that I could describe him to you in one sentence that would give you the exact picture of what he looks like. Unfortunately, it would be so right-on that if his friends or family (or wife) read it, they would know he is cheating. So let’s just say tall, cute, funny, quirky, smart.
-
I am also in correspondence with a couple. The guy is, well, a guy, and his wife is bi-. Might be interesting…
Sergeant Shane is great, but rarely available when I am. Valentine Dave is wonderful, but the sex isn’t. Curt is out of the picture. (I’ll update you another time on that.) So I’m feeling horny and have no one to turn to…
HH
