The Secret Confessions of a Horny House Wife

Enough of this deeply felt contemplative relationship shit.  I’m feeling horny again, (I just haven’t been living up to my name lately…) and so I’ve been mentally reliving my four hours in a crappy motel with Sergeant Shane a couple of weeks ago.  Some wonderfully hot things happened…and some fantastically embarrassing things.  Until now, I’ve only written here about that day in Haiku.  (Horny Haiku, Week 1)  Now let us fill in some of the details…

First, I totally didn’t even think we were going to have sex on our second date.  After all, as we were kissing goodbye on our first date (Kissing Another Cop), I tried to lean against Shane’s hips to feel his penis, which my lady spidey senses told me was hard.  But as I leaned in he pulled away, thwarting Vagina’s initial expedition onto Penis Island.  Shane was so hunky, but I was sure we were like 2-3 weeks away from having sex. 

The night after our first date he explained in an e-mail, “When you pressed into me I turned a little so my cock wouldn’t press into you…if you’re interested in more that can come later.  You’re very sexy and fun and I’m having extremely dirty thoughts about you.”  (OK, that last sentence isn’t really relevant, but I just threw it in because it gives me a little thrill…I’m such a sucker for a compliment.) 

I thought he was playing hard to get, but now I know he just thought it was too early to bring out the big guns.  And I mean BIG.  You’ve heard the expression “hung like a Coke can?”  Well that would be an insult to Sergeant Shane, because it doesn’t do any kind of justice to his length.   Huge. 

OK.  Focus, Horny Housewife.  So during our first coffee date it came to light that Sergeant Shane, who was not raised in the US, had never before experienced the elegant thrill of a little pastime we Americans like to call bowling.  I decided it would be very funny to tease him about this, and I also insisted we should go bowling for our second date.  After some very nice dirty e-mails traded back and forth about the nasty nasty things we would do to each other in the lanes…in the shoes…(focus…) we actually met at an actual bowling alley. 

I felt nervous.  He is so calm and cool and in control.  When I am with him I smirk uncontrollably and my insides tremble like a virgin in a strip joint.  We bowled, and even though he had never been bowling in his life, he… *****EMBARRASSING INCIDENT #1*****…beat me two games to nothing.  To be honest, it was kind of hot that he was better at it than me.  You know how I am about physical dominance… 

After we had bowled two games, Sergeant Shane announced to me that he… *****EMBARRASSING INCIDENT #2***…could see my black g-string through the white mini-skirt I was wearing.  I swear I didn’t plan that.  I knew he was staring at my butt every time I stood up to bowl, but I honestly didn’t know he could see my g-string. 

After some aggressive touching in my car, we were both feeling so turned on that we decided to drive to a hotel, but I was completely unprepared for sex: I wasn’t wearing sexy lingerie and I hadn’t polished my toe nails.  Thank god I had bikini waxed, or I would have had to call the whole situation to a halt.  And, by the way, thank god it was a Brazilian.  Sergeant Shane really knows what he is doing around a girl’s ass.  But I’m getting ahead of myself. 

Where do I begin?  So many memories flash through my head from that day.  The great thing was that we had had a couple of really sexy IM sessions leading up to our bowling date.  It was a perfect way to test the waters in relation to some kinky sexual practices. 

For example, he knew that I am really into having my nipples stimulated to the point of pain.  Detective Curt had done this a little, but Sergeant Shane went even farther.  So Sergeant Shane was biting my nipples and it was really feeling incredible, when…*****EMBARRASSING INCIDENT #3*****…milk squirted out of my nipples.   That’s right.  Let me repeat: MILK… SQUIRTED…OUT…OF…MY…NIPPLES! 

It’s a simple, but critical tenet in all civilized societies: A MILF should never have milk.  It’s just that simple.  Ask anyone.  Ask your mother. 

I haven’t breast fed for two years, yet apparently I am still capable of lactation.  Wonderful.  If this were the 1700s I could make a nice living as a wet nurse.  Unfortunately, breast milk on demand is not really such a useful talent for a horny housewife in 2008. 

Shane wasn’t thrown at all.  In fact, to prove that it was no big deal, he lapped some up.  He’s a real trooper, isn’t he folks?  Snaps for Sergeant Shane. 

The sex was pretty incredible.  From our IM encounters he knew I like it pretty rough, and I knew he liked it at least as rough, so we felt very comfortable letting things get very intense very quickly. 

An exerpt from one of our IM sessions: 

HH: Are you touching yourself?

Srgt. Shane: a little squeeze where i can

HH: mmm.  I can’t keep my mouth closed. 

Srgt. Shane: if you don’t close it ill slap you

HH: Now I really can’t keep it closed.  Am I being bad?

Srgt. Shane:  im serious.  i want to hit you while we fuck.  ive always wanted to do that but never have

HH:  I would love that.  Could it be you are as perverted as I am?

Srgt. Shane: my god! maybe

And slap me he did…on the face.  I loved it.  It was something I had fantasized about and this was one of those situations where the reality was as good (better?) than the fantasy.  I loved that tense, electric moment right before the slap, when I knew it was coming and I couldn’t control it.  And then the moment after, when everything else was a blank, except for the sting on my cheek and Shane’s penis inside me.  It gives me lightening chills just thinking about it. 

So things seem to have moved out of the realm of the mortifying and into the realm of the divine, right?  Wrong.  After Sergeant Shane fucked me really hard with his really huge penis, he told me a really funny joke and, guess what?!…*****EMBARRASSING INCIDENT #4*****…Pussy farts.  I’m not even kidding.  In my whole life, queefing has only very rarely ever happened to me (like twice in the 90s), but it happened to me with Sergeant Shane.  While I was laughing.  The first time we ever had sex. 

OK, folks.  Goodnight.  Tip your waitress.